Chapter 2

Relationship Wrecks

Why Can’t We Form Strong Families?

The shattering blows on the Negro family have made it fragile, deprived and often psychopathic.

— Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

On Father’s Day, June 15, 2008, Barack Obama, then only a candidate for the U.S. presidential nomination, stood before a black congregation at a Chicago South Side church and delivered an important message to the black community:

Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded today that family is the most important … But if we are honest with ourselves we’ll also admit that too many fathers are missing from too many lives and too many homes. They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it.

While Obama was congratulated for boldly taking absentee black fathers to task and condemned for taking an opportunistic shot at black men for political gain, all sides missed the most important points. Black men are not just absent from their children’s lives; too many black men and women are absent from each other’s lives.

In other words, it’s not just a fathering problem; it’s a “family-ing” problem, another casualty of our addiction to the Black Inferiority brand. The major challenge, therefore, is to discuss and seriously dissect
the black family problem.

Songs to the Beat (down) of Black Life

We sing, dance, and make love to catchy beats that endorse, reinforce, and promulgate our most self-destructive habits.

The messages are not only telegraphed through our music. The muddy milieu of black relationships seemingly splash across the front pages of tabloids, on Internet pages, on the nightly news and TV dramas, and in everyday advertising. The media gleefully amplified the exploits of a wildly successful R&B singer beaten bloody by her equally popular boyfriend. Of course, the juicy story of the black televangelist strangled and stomped by her preacher husband on a hotel parking lot also received plenty of media play.

Flip the channel or turn the page and there are the “baby mamas” and “baby daddies” so ubiquitous in common American culture that they become plot points or titles for mainstream comedies and movies.

And there, on the news, backed by respected research, are the products of all this ingrained promiscuity and violence — young children seemingly running amok in urban cities that breed violence, some left to raise their own siblings in the absence of negligent or missing parents.

The syndicated television program Maury, hosted by Maury Povich, is known for its “Who’s Your Daddy?” segments. Much of the content is based on issuing paternity tests to teens and young adults in hopes of determining fatherhood. In just one week during the summer of 2009, I watched these scenarios:

Three young African American women — girls really — accused a young man of fathering their three children — all born within a month of one another. The young man had another 7-month-old child with his current girlfriend. In another segment, a young girl slept with two men at the same time, and was unsure who fathered her child. Then, there was the story about a mother who paid her daughter’s boyfriend for sex.

Many of Maury’s guests are black, and the sheer number of these cases is damning. Shows like these, along with court television shows that promote the same dysfunction, are very popular. I couldn’t help but imagine the vast numbers of people indoctrinated by these images of black family chaos. And it’s not like we can put 100 percent of the blame for this public buffoonery on the producers of these shows. These situations aren’t fabricated; they’re just carefully picked realities of black life. Sadly, it’s art (and I use the word loosely) that imitates life. We watch these programs like a gory train wreck because they involve so many people who look like us.

Blacks not only dance to the beat of family destruction, we patronize films by black producers and directors that bombard our brains and reinforce all the bad we’ve been fed about ourselves — first by the white ruling class, and now abetted by our brainwashed brethren. Whether it’s sagas like Rihanna and Chris Brown, or negative, self-demeaning movies, or characters like those depicted in HBO’s gritty urban drama The Wire — black relationships and families are seen as hopelessly at odds, dysfunctional, violent, and unsubstantial.

Yet we accept and share these perceptions without question or qualm. Passionate conversations about “no good black men” among groups of black women are not irregularities. What is a rare occurrence, however, is our willingness to go to the historic root of negative black male behavior or discuss how fatherless homes help shape the sentiments shared by so many black women.

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Interesting stuff. I can’t wait to read it!

1love
n’mama

Why would you let your children learn at home rather than send them to school? Well, there is a lot of concern among parents these days about the safety and the quality of the public and/or private schools. In addition, every parent has anxiety when they send their children out of their sight, especially for a long six or seven hour day. Parents put a great amount of trust in schools, teachers and administration, and sometimes (rarely, but it does happen) this trust is broken.

Homeschooling your children gives you more control over the what influences your children. It’s no secret that children come home with ideas and phrases that may not be in line with what you want them to know and/or understand. And certainly the influences of other children, who may not have the same upbringing is sometimes an unwanted side effect of not homeschooling. If your children are homeschool, you can decide what yoruchilnd needs to do or learn. Furthermore, you can tailor the homeschooling curriculum to suit both the interests and needs of the child.

A homeschooled child reaps the benefits of individualized attention, which does not often happen in a school setting. If your child excels in mathematics, then you can give him/her more advanced work to keep that mind busy whereas in a classroom setting, that same child may become fidgety and antsy because the work is too easy. If your child needs more assistance in a particular subject, then you can give him/her the remediation that is needed quickly. The pressure either learn quickly or to sit still when the work is too easy eliminated. The child’s abilities become the focus of instruction.

A homechooling family often grows closer as a result of homeschooling. The family is much more involved with the entire process of education rather that just being a vehicle to complete homework or assigned school projects. Families learn about and use teachable moments, in the grocery store, toy store, playground, etc. to expand the children’s understanding of the world around them.

A larger concern besides academic education is the moral and/or religious upbringing of the child. Homeschooled children may be more closely supervised by their parents and thus parents have more control over the moral and
religious learning of the child. In addition, parents have the flexibility to
incorporate their beliefs and ideologies into the child’s curriculum.
In this way, parents don’t have to “unteach” anything that is learned in school.

If you have the time, patience and resources, homeschooling is the best way to teach a child. Be aware that this endeavor may take a lot of time, preparation and understanding of state law, curriculum standards etc. You also must think ahead about the child’s socialization, participation in sports and college preparation, if this is your goal. Whatever your decision, you are still your child’s first teacher.

I don’t know about you, but as I get older, I find that more foods tend to upset my stomach and/or give me heartburn.   What is heartburn?  It’s when the acid from your stomach, which is there to digest your food, makes its way up into the esophagus and sometimes the throat.  Usually heartburn is characterized by a “churning stomach”, nausea, gas, a burning feeling in the chest and a sour taste in the mouth.  Certainly, you may not experience all these symptoms, but I’m sure you know when you have heartburn!homemade-remedies.net, Homemade Remedies for Heartburn, Mar 2009

You should read the whole article.

Well, we have this thing called the Internet, and believe me, beyond the entertainment and gaming sites (and let’s not forget Facebook), there is truly a wealth of information out there for the taking – the trouble is taking the time to weed through all the sites and separate the wheat from the chaff. What I have done over the years is collect a set of sites that I have used with my classroom students as well as my own children. In addition, I’ve researched sites that I’ve collected from other sites and vetted them to my satisfaction. Therefore, what you see here are a collection of websites that carry high-quality information – no need to run a search – at least for now.

Please use these sites and report back in the comment form – let us know how these websites benefited you and your child.

Printable Worksheets/General

http://www.education.com/

http://www.tlsbooks.com/

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/

http://abcteach.com/

Science/Geography

http://kids.nationalgeographic.com/kids

Geo Quizzes – http://www.lizardpoint.com/fun/geoquiz/
Science Projects – http://www.scienceproject.com/
Science Projects – http://www.libraryspot.com/features/scienceprojects.htm

Mathematics/Arithmetic

http://mathforum.org/dr/math/

http://www.aaamath.com/

http://www.coolmath.com/home.htm

http://mathworld.wolfram.com/ (Grades 6-12 specifically)
http://visualfractions.com/ – Fractions

Reading/Language Arts
http://www.readprint.com/ – Free Online Books Library
The Five Paragraph Essay – http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Atrium/1437/howto.html
Writing Process – http://www.angelfire.com/wi/writingprocess/

Be sure to check your state’s education website for curriculum standards and a list of objectives/goals that are to be taught for each grade. This will also help guide you to what your child needs to know.

There was a recent story in the news that’s got a lot of people “a-twitter”. It involves a situation between black children and a private swim club, which I assume to be primarily white. I have seen posts about this on both twitter and Facebook. I was a little taken aback about the comments that were made, some very hate-filled and viscious. I’m not the type of person who takes everything I see at face value, so I decided to do a little research on my own before.

The basic situation as I understand it is this: a summer camp that seems to be mostly or all black children paid for a membership at a private swim club which seems to be mostly white. When the campers got there to swim apparently, the white members of the club made comments to the effect of “what are all these black kids doing here” etc. The club then revoked the summer camp’s membership and refunded their money saying. The club’s spokespeople were also quoted as saying that these children changed the “complexion and atmosphere” of the club. I do readily admit that “complexion” wasn’t the best choice of words!!

On the surface, this seems like a terrible story, a story of racism in 2009. Since I don’t know specifics and try to see the best in situations, there might be another side to this situation that of which we’re not aware. So, take a deep breath, sit back and let’s walk through this together.

Here’s the possibilities of what happened:

1. The swim club is owned by a bunch of racist jerks who deliberately took the summer camp’s money and then revoked their membership.

2. The agreement between the club and the camp wasn’t clear – the club wasn’t expecting 60 children to show up at the club at one time. For those who have been around pools with children know, that’s a LOT of children in the pool. Imagine the screaming, yelling, pushing, running, shoving, splashing etc. that may have been going on. And this goes for children of ANY color.

3. The club’s members complained because 60 children disrupted the placidity of the club.

4. See #3 – and the children were black.

Put your self in this situation. You pay however much to join a private swim club instead of going to the public pool. There you are lounging, reading a novel or listening to your iPod when all of a sudden a huge group of children show up at the pool. And I mean huge. You didn’t know they were coming. So you’ve got your little ones in the pool while these other children are jumping in. Would you let your children stay in the pool? Shoot, I sure wouldn’t! I’d be afraid they’d be lost in the shuffle with SIXTY (60) children swimming there.

I’ve left playgrounds when teachers/camp counselors brought a group of 20 children there to play. I did not feel confident that I could keep track of my children with so many other children around. Didn’t matter what color they were, as a mom, I just felt safer removing my children from the situation completely.

So, I write all that to “say” – yeah, it could have been racism. But you know what I think? I think the swim club didn’t know what it was getting itself into. I think the swim club’s members were a little shocked to see all these folks converging on the pool at one time. I think sixty children at one time is a lot to bring to any pool, public or private. I mean, how many lifeguards were there? Was the pool big enough?? For a moment forget about race, and put yourself in their place.

No, I’m not getting soft. Believe me; I’ll call a spade a spade in a minute. (Remember when those folks called Venus and Serena “gorillas”. I saw red for days!!) And this situation just might be a case of racist white folks.

But I think this is a case of miscommunication on both sides and scarcity of resources. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Shine on!
N’Mama

As a black parent, I know that it may be difficult to fight against a lot of the negative media out there that concern some black people. Between the “judge shows” and the talk shows you wonder where the heck some of these people come from! We have to combat this as parents by praising our children each day to show them how accomplished they can become. For example, give your child something to do such as take out the garbage or pick up their toys, then commend them for a job well done. Notice that I specified “honest” praise. Don’t just praise a child to make him/her feel good – this negates its power.

If you find your child feeling angry, sad or depressed, be patient with them. I know you’re busy as a parent and to see a child moping around may make you wonder “what does s/he have to be sad about”. Remember, our precious children have feelings just like us and sometimes they just get depressed. Talk to them, listen to them without pushing your own judgment on them. Sometimes our children just need to talk. They may or may not fully understand why they are feeling this way – you are helping them understand their feelings better by lending a sympathetic ear. You might even suggest some positive behaviors to take their mind off the sadness – but remember to leave the opportunity to talk always open. A child will be more willing to come to you with their feelings if they can be confident that they will not be punished or judged.

Teaching your child the importance of setting goals and developing a plan of action is a skill that will help them later on in life. For the littlest ones, five and under, start with small projects such as putting clothes away or the best way to complete a homework assignments. The older the child, the more complex the plan can be. Remember to encourage them along the way.

Be sure to tell your child “I love you” every day – hugs and kisses are great too. Most children love physical affection as it helps them feel closer to you as a mom or dad. When they act up, which they will, remind them that it’s the behavior you don’t like, and that you still love them. I have to remind myself to make sure my five year old remembers that and to make sure he feels free to come and tell me anything, whenever.

Following these steps may not make raising a child easier, but it will sweeten the way!

One Love,

N’Mama

Remember that after school activities don’t always have to be taught in a school environment in a structured manner. There is so much that you as a parent can do to support your child’s academic, physical and social development. Don’t be too overly concerned about participating in conventional after school programs, especially since many children are already overscheduled.

As you know as a parent, school is the priority for your child. Attending school and completing assigned homework is what must be done in order for the child to keep up academically. Then, after the required homework is done, the child should also do some sort of daily reading and/or writing – remember that practice makes perfect! For some children, this is enough of an after school program.

Here are some tips for creating your own “after school program” for your child.

o Find a program in the local community college or community center. Some community adult/night schools have programs appropriate for children in the evening such as scrapbooking or photography.

o Allow your child to use the Internet to find more information about subjects that interest him/her. This type of self-directed ‘after school program’ (supervised by you, of course) is often the best type of program because it is directly connected to the child’s own interests.

o If you are worried about the lack of social interaction, enroll him or her in some sort of a club -perhaps a reading club. Visit public libraries or even the theater, if your child is interested. A parent-child book club is another interesting option. If you can round up a number of like-minded children and their parents, you might even start your own after-school program.

o When there are no organized group activities, look in the community. A lot of children love to get involved in social issues. Volunteering for clean-up sessions, adult education programs etc could be a real eye-opener for your child. These lessons can be invaluable.

o If physical activity is your major concern, enroll your child for dance or gymnastic classes. This is also a great way to find friends his/her own age.

Your child does not necessarily have to be a part of a coordinated group to
benefit from after-school activities. Engaging your children in daily household activities like cooking, cleaning etc can also provide them with a refreshing extracurricular experience. Moreover, it will improve family ties and make them feel like they are actually contributing to the household. Plus, such activities build skills for later life.

Welcome to neosoulmama.info, home of the My Successful Child newsletter. If you are unfamiliar to this site, let me introduce myself. I am a mother of three, run my own natural bath/body business and have had over 10 years of experience in urban education. I also hold a Master’s degree in education. My specialty is K-8 mathematics, however, given my experience and extensive research and training in the field of education, as well as my on the job training as a mom (smile), I am a tremendous resource in the field of education.

How do you create a successful child? Is it Kumon, Sylvan or other tutoring type programs? Certainly these programs can assist a child who is struggling academically, but in order to truly create a child who enjoys school and who understands that you appreciate their hard work and effort, communication and involvement is a must.

A successful child:
• Asks questions – A child who asks questions shows a curiosity about the world around him/her. Granted, with three children, I get a lot of questions during the day and to be honest, I don’t answer all of them all the time. However, I do make the effort to answer most of them. Answering your child’s questions is a way to open communication between the two of you and an informal way of learning.

• Is in an atmosphere of informal learning – A lot can be learned from a simple trip to the grocery store. It’s where my children learned that those pigs and chickens that they saw on the television could be turned into tasty morsels of pork chops and grilled chicken. They also learned the mechanics of grocery shopping (i.e. pay the money, pack the bags) and that there are people who work at the grocery store. Of course, the counting and simple mathematics were at work here too.

• Has role models – Are you willing to learn along with your child? I think one of my successes as a teacher came from admitting that I didn’t know everything. If your child asks you a question that you don’t know, then explore the answer together. This shows your child that everyone is a lifelong learner.

• Has rules – A child, well, everyone in fact, needs boundaries. A child should not be left to his/her own devices and allowed to do anything s/he wants. Children need boundaries and feel more comfortable when limits are set by parents and guardians.

• Follows a family routine – A child feels useful and a part of the family when s/he is encouraged to participate in family chores. Teach them young and form good habits that will last.

Although a few of these tips do not directly deal with school, these habits will engrain self-respect and discipline that will have an influence on how they perform in school and in life.

Please add your comments/ reactions to these tips. And remember to sign up for my mailing list and receive weekly tips!

My son especially loves the mazes!

President George W. Bush’s administration has been notable not only for one of the most significant shifts in federal oversight of education, under the No Child Left Behind Act, but also for new laws, programs, and developments in other areas affecting schools.

No Child Left Behind Act
President Bush made the reauthorization of the Elementary and Secondary Education Act a top priority upon entering office. The resulting NCLB law, which he signed Jan. 8, 2002, expanded student testing and introduced new accountability rules for schools that receive federal aid. It requires schools to assess students in reading and mathematics in grades 3-8 and once in high school. If schools fail to keep their students on pace toward proficiency in those subjects, they are identified as needing improvement and face a series of interventions, such as offering public school choice and free tutoring, and eventually being restructured. The law also added a requirement that all teachers be highly qualified according to federal and state rules.

Reading First
The NCLB law also created the Reading First program, which provided some $1 billion a year to pay for curricular materials and professional development focused on the primary grades. Although popular among educators, the Department of Education’s inspector general issued a series of reports questioning whether department officials overstepped their authority in pushing states to use specific curricula and assessments under the program. The department’s research office also released a report saying that the funding had been successful in improving students’ decoding and other basic skills, but not their reading comprehension.

School Choice
As part of his original plan for the NCLB law, President Bush had sought to allow students in low-performing public schools to use federal aid to attend private schools, as well as to transfer to higher-performing public schools. But facing staunch Democratic opposition, he agreed to drop the voucher element. The public-school-choice provision was enacted, but is widely viewed as ineffective, with very few parents transferring their children to other public schools.

In 2002, the Bush administration argued before the U.S. Supreme Court in support of the constitutionality of including religious schools in publicly funded voucher programs. The court agreed, ruling that the inclusion of religious schools in such programs does not violate the First Amendment’s prohibition against a government establishment of religion. In 2004, the president signed into law the nation’s first federally funded voucher program, which targets students from low-income families in the District of Columbia. It was narrowly enacted in 2004 when Republicans held majorities in Congress, with most Democrats strongly opposed. It provides vouchers worth up to $7,500 per year, and they can be used at religious schools.

Special Education
The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act was reauthorized during President Bush’s first term, with language that ties the special education law to NCLB on such issues as highly qualified teachers for students with disabilities, and the importance of including students with disabilities in assessments. The administration introduced some testing flexibility for states by allowing different state assessments to be used for students with significant cognitive impairments, and students who could meet modified grade-level standards.

Educational Research
The 2002 passage of the Education Sciences Reform Act gave the Bush administration a rare opportunity to abolish the Department of Education’s existing research operation and create a new research agency out of the ashes. The newly christened Institute of Education Sciences, under Grover J. “Russ” Whitehurst, spearheaded the department’s campaign to transform education into an evidence-based practice, much like medicine.

Under Mr. Whitehurst’s six-year tenure, the agency increased the number of randomized experiments the department finances, revamped the agency’s peer-review process, retooled the federal education research laboratory system, and created new grant programs to nurture research talent for the field. The office’s best-known accomplishment, though, may be the What Works Clearinghouse, a sometimes-controversial project set up to vet the evidence base that undergirds many of the programs, policies, and practices used in the nation’s schools.

Gender Issues
First-term Secretary of Education Rod Paige in 2002 established a commission to study Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, the federal law that bars sex discrimination in federally funded schools and colleges. Some civil rights and women’s advocacy groups feared the effort was a bid to soften enforcement of the law. After receiving a report full of mostly minor recommendations about athletic participation at the college level, the Education Department largely ignored them, issuing a document in 2003 clarifying previous Title IX guidance.

Meanwhile, citing research that educating boys and girls separately was proving effective in some circumstances, the department in 2006 issued regulations making it easier for public schools to experiment with single-sex education.

Race Issues
The Bush administration weighed in against the use of race in education in a series of landmark Supreme Court cases. In appeals involving race-conscious admissions policies in higher education, the administration struck a cautious tone, and the Education Department issued reports emphasizing ways in which schools and colleges could achieve racial diversity without relying on racial preferences. In those cases, from the University of Michigan, the justices affirmed the constitutionality of affirmative action but struck down some practices.

The administration was more assertive when the justices took up race-conscious student-assignment policies from the Seattle and Jefferson County, Ky., school districts in 2006. It urged the Supreme Court to strike down the plans, which the court did in a 2007 decision that sharply limited the ways K-12 schools could rely on race.

Higher Education
Secretary Margaret Spellings helped spur a dialogue over student financial assistance and college accountability by convening a task force to study higher education. The panel’s 2006 report called for a major new investment in federal student aid. And, more controversially, it encouraged colleges and universities to use value-added assessments to measure students’ skills at the beginning and end of their college careers. Colleges and universities should make the results of those tests public, the panel concluded.

—David J. Hoff, Alyson Klein, Erik W. Robelen, Christina A. Samuels, Debra Viadero, and Mark Walsh